The Words given by My Dad Which Saved Me as a New Parent

"In my view I was just in survival mode for the first year."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

But the actual experience quickly became "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health problems during the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her main carer as well as taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he needed help.

The direct statement "You're not in a good place. You must get support. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and find a way back.

His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now better used to discussing the pressure on mums and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles dads go through.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his struggles are symptomatic of a larger reluctance to communicate amongst men, who continue to internalise harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and remains standing time and again."

"It is not a show of being weak to seek help. I failed to do that fast enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - most notably ahead of a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the chance to request a break - going on a few days away, away from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions as well as the day-to-day duties of taking care of a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son better understand the language of feelings and make sense of his parenting choices.

The idea of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, deep-held emotional pain resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "poor choices" when younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as a way out from the anguish.

"You gravitate to things that aren't helpful," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Getting By as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - when you are under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. This might be going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - nutritious food, getting some exercise and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that asking for help is not failure - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead provide the stability and emotional support he lacked.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the emotions safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their issues, altered how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their children.

"I'm better… dealing with things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."